Presented Again This Year, Because it's One of My Favorites to Tell: I'm Mrs. Green Christmas, I'm Mrs. Sun...

                                              (Originally posted Monday, Dec. 11, 2006)

   This was the scene out my window every year. Although most everybody else I know/knew in western NY just love to go out and frolic in the snowy weather, I preferred to stay in cuz it was COLD out there. I still talk to people who say, "Oh, I love the cold". Good for them. It's just not for me, and never has been, even when I was younger. 

   The only way I can remember liking snow was when I might go out for rides in a warm car, stuff like that.

    I know how to drive in deep snow. I remember having to drive one morning before the snow plows went through, and having to guess where the road was, hoping not to drive into a ditch. I made it okay.

   I know my Aunt Bev hates the cold, too, but it's mostly my fault. She and I are only 20 days apart. (Imagine your Mom and Grandmother both being pregnant at the same time. I 'won', so I'm older. She holds every one of those 20 days over my head..."You're OLD". So, I don't call her Aunt, either.) 

   Well, anywaze...Yeah, it's kinda my fault Bev got her fingers frozen when we were wild and crazy teenagers. I had this nerdy boyfriend (Paul), who ended up being Bev's boyfriend later on.     At the time, she was having dental work cuz, as she put it, her teeth were all "snaggle-toothed" and it made her chin jut way out, kinda lantern-jawed.

    But, anyhow, because Paul got to drive his parents' car around, we three, Bev, Paul and I went on a lot of excursions together, summer and winter, which was fun. 

   One night, a few days before Christmas, Bev and Paul got the idea to buy some 'liquor' to celebrate the holidays. Oh sure...I was "innocent"...(I thought it was a great idea, too). Paul was 18, old enough to buy it, but we were only 16.

    He came back out of the store with some "Triple Applejack"...a cheap wine, of sorts. It was pretty yucky tasting. Not sure what ol' Paul thought of it, but Bev pretty much liked the taste of it. 

   We had driven, in a snow storm, along a country road, then stopped so Bev could get out and 'potty'. By that time, she was pretty 'wasted'. I had to get out and help her over a snowbank, out of sight, to get her tight girdle down, so she could 'go', then try to reverse the procedure. The poor girl was roaring drunk, happily singing at the top of her lungs up into the icy black sky with its shiny stars staring down at our debacle as we staggered around in snow up to our thighs.

   I had to sit her down on the edge of the snow bank and told her to fling her legs over the top of it, to get to the other side and back to the car. 

   She kept trying to flop them up, while repeating, "I just FLING my legs up over the shnow banKK...", but her legs wouldn't go.

    She looked me earnestly in the eye and said, "I hope I don't throw up in my sleeve....ok, just FLING my leg UP over the shnow banKK", but it still didn't go.

    "What do you mean, 'throw up in your sleeve!??" I asked.

    "Kathy (another friend of ours) got drunk one time and didn't have anywhere to throw up, so she opened the cuff of her sleeve and threw up in it". Bleckkk.

    "Well, that's not going to happen to you...you aren't going to do that...hold on, let me get Paul, so he can help me get you back into the car."

    Once we got her back into the warm car, we took the bottle away from her, and got the car in motion. 

   We were starting to worry, cuz the storm had turned into a blizzard and visibility was getting bad. The car went a little ways up the slight hill, then the wheels started spinning. Paul tried backing the car back down the hill, but it slid into Bev's "shnowbankKK" and got stuck.

   Oh Oh. Now what? This was before cell phones. This was WAY back. Bev was wearing a 'girdle', remember? 

   I said that I thought I remembered seeing the lights of a house not far from where we were, but it was sitting up a long driveway on a hill.

   Paul, continued to try to spin us out of there with his Dad's car. He did manage to back us up into the ditch at the end of the driveway I'd seen. 

   And again, Now what? Well, we could walk up to the house and call a tow truck to come and get us out. Paul, for sure, didn't dare call his parents. The alcohol and all. (and this was even way back before they 'carded' people) Still, his father wouldn't have appreciated we three 'nice' Church Kids having liquor...and in his car, no less. 

   Since Bev had gotten the bottle back again, with what little was left in it and was patting it and singing Christmas Carols, loudly, Paul and I talked over her, trying to figure out what to do. It was a long freezing walk, but we decided that he and I would trudge to the house that looked so warm with lights shining from the windows, and leave Bev in the warm car, bundled up, ...with her bottle, and we'd be RIGHT back. For her to just stay put! We'd be RIGHT back. 

   She said, "OKAYYYY". 

   The icy air blew right through our coats, freezing us. 

   We finally made it to the house and knocked on the door. A nice lady answered and brought us right inside. We put on our best Sunday School manners and demure politeness and explained that our car was stuck at the end of their driveway, and that my aunt was staying warm in the car waiting for us.

    Well, of course she let Paul make a phone call, then insisted on making us some tea to warm us up from that walk up the hill.

    Her house was all pretty; cozy and quiet, and she was so sweet. 

    I daintily picked up the china cup, making sure to keep my little pinky finger up and was about to take my first sip, when suddenly there was a thundering pounding on the back door!

   The lady looked shocked and embarrassed in front of her 'genteel' guests and asked no-one in particular, "What...who in the world is that??", as she made her way toward the door. 

   Just as she got to the door, it flew open, loudly slamming into the hall wall. 

   The poor lady fell back against the same wall, shocked and horrified at the sight that just barged into her house! 

   There was Bev, hair frozen in a hundred different directions, wild-eyed, jaw jutted way out, exposing snaggled-teeth, as I'd never seen them before. She looked like an abominable snow monster! She was covered in snow and vomit was dripping out of her sleeve onto the lady's immaculately cleaned floor. 

   I stammered weakly, "Oh...it's my aunt."

   The lady shrieked, "Your AUNT?!"

   Bev wanted none of it...she pushed past the lady and said, "I just want to lay down on your red couch and throw up" 

   The lady sprang at her, wailing, "Noooo, that's my new couch, I just got that as an early Christmas present!" 

   Poor Bev. Poor lady. Bev's fingers were about frozen. I don't know what happened to her gloves...probably lost in a shnow bankK on the way up the hill. She'd gotten tired of waiting, she said. She nearly froze, too, on the way up the hill, then when she got there, she looked in the window and saw us sitting there all warm and cozy having tea. 

   She was really ticked. She still is til this day, even tho' she managed to forgive us.

   Eventually, the tow truck came and pulled us out. I don't know if Paul ever told his Dad what happened. 

   If  you ask Bev, she'll tell you how much she still gags whenever she hears the words, "Triple Applejack", and how it's my fault...and Paul's that she hates the cold, cuz of us.

                   (We never did anything like that again...just so you know, and I still hate the cold cuz it's COLD!!)

Making a Special Christmas Video for You...Ask Us About (Most) Anything :-)

 

Lizzy the Lizard Who Lost her Tail...Oh NO! This is Her Tale!

 

   I am Lizzy. I live on a Patio with a lot of other South Louisiana Lizards. We make a good living on mosquitoes, flies…you know, all the good stuff…Louisiana food can't be beat…you just ask anyone!
   Life is wonderful…or it was. I accidentally wandered into the house next to our patio and couldn't find my way out for quite a while. I finally made my very clever escape. I'm glad, too, because the food they served me in that house was boring…BORING.
  Well, as I was saying, life outside on my big patio was wonderful once again. Until.
  First of all, I don't know where they came from, but these big white furry dog-monsters started chasing me and my family for dear life. We think one of them must have got Morty because we found him laying out flat…and yes, he was dead. None of us saw what actually happened, but word got around that one of those awful birds took off with his body. Good-bye Morty, we hardly knew ye, we all said.
   Well, if that trauma wasn't bad enough, we now see this big black shiny "cat-thing" slinking and sneaking around the patio with big green eyes that are looking at everything…it chases our flies, "Hey! Those are our meals you are messing with, you!" It chases us, even! It chases the birds. It runs up trees in the yard, fast!
  Now here is the scariest thing that ever happened to me: it got me! We all saw it slinking around the corner of the lawn mower, so we all scurried under it, and I thought I'd made it, but it grabbed me! The black shiny monster had me! It was pulling me away from my family by my tail!
  I screamed, Lila, my sister screamed…my whole family and friends were screaming too!
  The monster was thrashing and causing such a wild commotion, that somehow, our beloved lawnmower moved around, which I guess scared the killer, so he let go, but one of the wheels rolled right onto my tail!
  Before the monster could get his paws under our machine, everybody grabbed onto me and pulled. I felt something behind me snap, but I was free to run with the rest of them, and so we did.
  I never saw the rest of me again, but from the stories I hear from the old folks in my family, it's supposed to grow back bigger and prettier than ever. At least that is what they are telling me.
  So, I guess the moral of my story is, be careful out there in the big scary world. (…and don't listen to Cappy's version of how the moral should go about how to not lose your tail.
   OH. 

  

 

 

 

I wrote this several years ago before Cappy retired:

  I just put Lizzie outside today. I was finally able to catch her. She was what I called a lizard, but I guess she was really a chameleon; isn't that a lizard?
I first spotted her in the den window with her little paws on the glass, looking around at the big outside world. Poor little thing.
  I tried catching her for about a week, to no avail, because she'd dive to the floor and take off zipping away, hiding behind some heavy piece of furniture that I couldn't move…but every morning she was back at her post in the window, watching life going on the outside the glass.
  I began to worry about her, thinking she'd need something to eat, especially if she was doomed to spend the rest of her life trapped inside our house, pining away for the freedom she could only see through the window. I began to put tiny little pieces of raw hamburger on the sill, along with a spot of water.
  Aww, she was so cute. Every day it was the same ritual; she'd see me getting close with the meat, so she'd run to the top of the window pane, then slowly...very slowly she'd descend, upside-down staring at the meat. When she'd get down to the corner and onto the window sill, she'd do this really funny thing with her head, quickly moving it in and out...backwards and forwards toward her meal, sometimes waving her arms around, too. She'd get to the meat, then stand and look longingly out the window some more, at which point I'd leave her alone and go get some work done. A little while later, I'd come back to find that the meat was gone and she'd be 'splayed out' all paws on the window.
  But, the other day she didn't come for the meat and I didn't see her for a couple of days. I hoped that she'd finally been able to find her way out, the same way she'd found her way in.
   I kind of missed her. When Cappy's on the boat, as silly as it seems, it's nice to have another living 'body' in the house; 'somebody' to take care of.
  This morning I was settled down on the sofa with my cup of coffee, when I saw a little movement on one of my indoor plant leaves just below the window. Then I saw a skinny tale moving around. "Lizzie??? Izzat you, girl?"
  Sure enough it was. I picked up the whole plant, hoping she'd stay put 'til I got her outside...and she did. She even tried changing colors, but she was either too worn out, or confused, because she turned tan instead of green. I took her outside and let her jump down into the flowerbed by the front door.
 "Bye Lizzie!! Have a nice life out here in your big wide world!"