As The "Squirreled" Turns

I've watched them watching the neighbors. They sit on the fence as if frozen, and the milli-second the neighbor turns her back, they start up again. From that, I know they watch us, cuz, to them we are 'the Nuts'...we have the nuts, and the neighbors don't. Those Miserable Squirrels. I stood at the kitchen window and saw one of them over by the telephone pole, hiding by the drainage ditch, ducking down and watching the dawgs. The very second Marky turned and came toward the house, that wretched rodent leaped out into the yard and made for the nearest pecan tree. I stomped out there, dogs puzzled, having patroled the yard for the umpteenth time and finding no squirrels, but on my heels to see what 'this' was about.
I was really ticked, as usual, but seeing the grey little 'cutie-pie' looking innocently down at me, pecan in his little paws...I had to clear my throat and 'let him have it'. "You are a bad squirrel! Those are MY pecans, not yours!" The dawgs started in, too, "Yeahhh, Mom...get him down for us". He just sat there on the limb, frozen. I was not falling for that one! I picked up one of the dawg's red toy balls and heaved it up at him. He half-jumped, half fell on top of MarkyBear, then both of them madly got their bearings and made for the telephone pole, Marky, two paces behind him. He went up and Marky went around and around.
The assaults on the trees have been furious these last three days. When Marky has one 'cornered' in the tree, he stands out there and barks and barks and....(you get the picture) barks, until I come out and do something like throw the ball up there again. Now I know those miserable squirrels are crafty, but why was it now that every time I go out after them with something, they always land on big fat ol' Marky??? Before that, if they didn't land on him....I swear to you, when they'd land hard on the ground, I'd hear an 'Alvin the Chipmonk', "OooFF!" Yesterday I was worried about Marky; I thought he had become fixated on them and was coming down with OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). He's constantly patrolling the yard. He barks all the time for me to "come see", as they say down here. Of course, when he does that, there's always a squirrel there in the tree. But yesterday I went out AGAIN for the howmany times, looked everywhere in the tree...saw nothing. Tossed the ball...nothing. Looked everywhere up there, again, saw nothing. Mark insisted there was one up there. I shrugged and said, "sorry, Mark, you must be wrong this time". Well he kept it up. Five minutes later he was still barking, so I went out. Nothing. I looked everywhere and tried to convince him, with treats to come in the house. NO way. I gave up and came in again and just let him bark til his barker was sore. An half an hour later, I staggered out there again. Come ON....there's no squirrel up there! To prove it to him I got out the water hose, sprayed a jet up there, and watched as one of the fat little rats landed on Marky's back and took off toward the pine tree, while another one made a wild leap outa the tree into the grape arbor and through the neighbor's fence. Today they are at it again. There aren't many nuts left, but dang! That's not the point. There are lots of them, partially gnawed on the ground. The bird feeder has lots of good stuff falling from it all the time. We've zinc'd and fertilized, watched, waited, tried to distract them...all to no avail. I think they are trying to drive us nuts. Then they will have us.