I was in standstill traffic all day, all day, all day out in the country and no gas stations or any place in sight...just sitting in the car for hours in a line of cars going nowhere on my way to Texas to escape Hurricane Ida.
I hadn't seen a bathroom in about four hours, so by now I was desperate! (Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?)
Finally we inched up to a wide area in the road, so I lost my place in line when I pulled over, got out, went around and opened the front and back passenger doors, (good thing I was wearing one of my long black baggy tunics to maintain some kind of modesty.) I leaned over, "dropped trou" half way down and used my brand new plastic purple discreet ladies emergency urinal.
Ohh! It was the best "potty break" I can remember in a long time;....not since I peed about a gallon all over the insides of my daughter, Jennifer's husband, David's brand new so PROUD of big huge pickup truck; down the back of the driver's seat, poured down the back of my legs, filled my shoes, about an inch thick on his fancy carpet "protector" pads. Sighhh...but it was SUCH an amazing relief. But then I was cold, waist down the rest of the ride back to their house. But I digress, that was about three years ago.
Last year when I lost my place in line "running" from the hurricane, I inched back up to the road and somebody let me back in. I think they must have understood, 'cuz, about five minutes later, they pulled over and I think they did the same thing, but, maybe they didn't have a fancy purple plastic discreet ladies emergency urinal, so I don't know what they did.
How is it, you ask that I flooded David's truck?
About three years before this, Jennifer and David were living in Galveston, Texas on the island. They were going on a Christmas cruise, so Cappy and BeauxBear and I were staying at their place to babysit their two doggies.
On the morning they were leaving to get to the cruise ship, David drove us all to the ferry, where we waited in a long line of traffic for the ferry to arrive. As old as I am, this was a new and exciting experience for me!
We rode the wavy, swirly packed-jammed-with-trucks-and-cars ferry across the 20+ minute ride to the mainland of Galveston.
Once we got to the cruise ship docking area, there was a wait for the people...masses of them, to pull up to a certain area in a certain order, before Jen and David could get out of the truck with their luggage.
When they were finally able to get out of the truck to board the huge cruise ship, I took over the driving of his big fancy truck with him giving me all kinds of instructions in the care and driving of it.
"You will LOVE driving it and the way it handles, you'll see." And patting the hood and smiling and waving, they were off. Five minutes or so, I was peeing in the front seat, eyes rolling back in my head, sighing with delirious relief.
I had gone before we left the house, but the wait for the ferry, while David was driving was extra long and we ended up taking the second or third ferry.
Then when they got out, I knew I could make it "home"...just hold it. BUT...the ferry we had to take back...the same problem...extra long wait in long lines with no place to hide in broad daylight with cars lined up on either side of us, all waiting to get onto the ferry. 
I was moaning by the time I drove up onto the bouncing ferry.
Up and down, up and down on the waves...will this ferry ever get moving?? Besides up and down, rubbing against the dock? Finally...FINALLY we started to move but the current was slower going back than coming across.
I bawled to Cappy, "I'm hurting myself....I can't take this."
He carries an empty plastic Purex laundry detergent jug on road trips, so he was good to go, hunkered down below the door frame and high up in that truck so nobody could see him.
I blathered and blatted, "There's no place to GOooooo! I've never had to go this badly in my whole life...ever!"
He said, "Well, ya caint just sit there and hurt yerself like that....PEE!"
Me---> "Huh?"
"GO! We'll clean it up when we get back...GO!"
So, I already filled you in on how it went...or how I went. (Just now I let out another deep breath of relief, remembering how holy/sinful/wonderful and warm it felt at the time.)
But, then I sat there sopping wet and it started to get cold with the engine off in the December Texas winter bobbing up and down in David's brand new so PROUD of his really nice truck on this ferry, and we were only halfway across to the other landing. (At that point, I didn't dare turn on the engine for fear I'd somehow nudge it out of gear and slam into the vehicle ahead of us...or behind us.)
I was afraid the attendants who were walking back and forth would see the pee flowing out beneath the truck, bang on the window to tell us we had sprung a leak of some kind, but I knew if I opened the window, a warm stream of hot urine vapors would rush up and out into their face as they stood leaning in looking all concerned for the truck.
I sat there with my hands gripped frozen to the steering wheel mentally trying to move the bouncy-bouncy ferry across the darned water and GET US THERE!
We FINALLY did get back to David and Jen's in time for David to call as we were pulling into the driveway to see how much I had loved the driving of his baby.
They were still sitting there waiting to get on the ship.
"Fine-fine, it drives like a dream, David," I tried sounding upbeat.
I ran in and grabbed a roll of paper towels and went out to try to sop up my mess, but....whatna? I couldn't find anything wet...I dabbed at the carpet, but nothing came up.
"Did I dream I peed in here???" I tried sopping some more. I was thinking I'd have to invest in Arm & Hammer to get enough baking soda to sprinkle all over to get the stink out...when it started to smell, because we all knew it would.
It didn't that afternoon. It was Christmas-day-before-eve.
The next day, it still didn't smell. It was like nothing had happened. We went to the store...shrug...no smell, no wet, no nothing.
Hmmm.....Welllllll.....Hmmmmm
The whole week...nothing. Cappy and I just looked at each other. Maybe we were nose blind.
Some close friends of ours came to spend a day with us, Doxie and Mavis. We had Doxie fetch something out of the truck...we told him how much David was proud of his new truck. Doxie said, "Nice...it still has that new leather car smell."
(You kidding?!)
So, we never did get the baking soda, I cringed when it was time to go pick Jen and David up from the cruise ship because I knew he would know for sure, the minute he sat in his driver's seat again.
Nope...like nothing different at all. So, Cappy, BeauxBear and I came back home here, like nothing had happened at all, but I felt so GUILTY...I knew I should have told him...I knew I should have.
Well....forward again to this last year and the hurricane I was telling you about and the long ride to Texas to get away. I ended up staying with Jen and David for a month because the damage from the hurricane was so bad back here at home.
So, now Jen has David's truck and David has another brand new even bigger pickup RAM truck. I thought I could finally confess...I did. I was bawling.
He kept soothing, "Don't worry about it, it's nothing."
I sobbed, "It wasssss, I'm so sorry...I should have told you way back then!" (but I didn't tell him how much I had enjoyed it)
Finally, He said in his wonderful Kentucky voice, "That aint NOTHIN"...worse than that has been done it it....I've had flyin' hot molten dah-reer in 'er...a couple a times"
Jennifer--->"WHAT??? In MY truck??? WHY didn't you tell me? And THAT's why you gave me that truck!!!"
Moral of the story: I'm going to hang onto that fancy plastic purple ladies emergency urinal; one just never knows. And, as I always tell other people who find themselves in unholy situations that have unmercifully befallen them, "Don't worry, you'll get your dignity back." I dunno...I hope I have.
Another lesson learned: You know what? Ferries have bathrooms.
1 comment:
LOL
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